I am alive

this is my chance to rekickstart my blog. hopefully it will be better this time.

Damn These Vampires

I am writing this almost a month after my last post again. I do not know why. Well partly I do. I just have had no motivation at all in the last few months mostly due to high anxiety surrounding my parents visit that happened a few weeks back. That went ok but I fell back into the pattern of letting my mom treat me like I'm 16 again. I did some things for preparation and then when they were here that I regret now. I rationalized cutting my hair in that since I am still presenting as male most of the time and I am looking for a better professional type job, having long hair negates my chances of landing it due to appearing slovenly. I am feeling stagnate in my life.

I have described my life as being a chameleon and I definitely feel that way. I am who you say I am. I am Alyson, Nate, or whoever the moment demands. I can be a sports lover, a metal head, a hoity toity lit snob, or whatever depending on who i am with. I think that scares me because who am I? I do not know. I really need to focus on my transition but I am so fearful of losing everything that I think thats why I have been working shitty jobs etc. I can't even bring myself to move forward. I need to get back into school but I have been holding back on that so much. I need to tell the parents about me but thats what scares me the most. I am so emotionally tied to them and somewhat financially that I do not know what will happen when I have the conversation again. I mean i have been so close to starting or even starting. I even had all my paperwork filled out for a name change at one point and turned it in and then asked to rescind it. I just couldnt do it. I just want to be me but yeah sometimes I do not know who that it is.

"Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these bite marks
Deep in my arteries
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me" The Mountain Goats

Its Been Awhile

I am sorry I have disappeared from the blogosphere. Lack of motivation combined with depression and other issues have kept me away. I know most of you have talked to me online so its not like I have been pulling a JD Sallinger or something. I look forward to actually posting soon.
Hugs

Valentine's Day

This Valentine's Day will be the start of so many better ones for me. Carolina and I will have dinner and a movie that night which is typical but I plan on being all purrtied up for it. I have still have a hard time going out in public totally as myself. I have dug out this whole where I am neither male or female and I claim I am happy here but I am not. I am going to make this one memorable for her because she hasn't seen me really all purrtied up. I am not saying all girls have to wear make up and heels etc, I just want to make that choice for once in my life and not be this butchier looking woman. Carolina really wants to see that person because she claims she hasn't. I am going to take Monday since I don't work to actually take time to prepare and not be scared either. I think that's been the issue, worrying about not passing or getting harassed. I have been harassed a few times in public bathrooms which has contributed to my anxiety sometimes. I am going to do some shopping this weekend and hopefully find a nice outfit to wear. This really is just a new experience for me.

Depression Hurts

Damn Cymbalta ads give me a good headline ;). Life has been weird lately. Two incidents at work in the last week and a half really have spurned an intense desire to change jobs. I have been trying to focus on who I am and let that translate into a good job. I hope that happens. Anxiety and depression have been double fisting me lately like I am some porn star. I just need to get out of that. I hope I will feel better soon. I feel I am depressed because I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of being myself fulltime becuase then I would actually accomplish something. I have had a bad habit of sabotaging my life in many ways.
Depression has been whats keeping me from reviewing two books I have read so far for my Cannonball Read. Hopefully soon I'll be able to do them.
A lot of times I have felt like I am someone's third option or that I am the one doing all the chances at being their friend. I long to feel like I am someone's first option for friendship again or that people will contact me.

Dance Break:


I am trying to tell myself that its only a week til Pitchers and Catchers which is awesome. I hope to see the Sox kick some ass this year. Of course Benjamin and Kristina want the Twins to succeed.

Taking the good with the bad

I had a nervous breakdown at work today and was sent home. It wasn't my finest hour but its kind of the kick in the ass I needed. I am going to seek some help today and see what I can find. I am in need of a new job so much. On the plus side I did make it to Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks finally so thats good.

Inner Core Being

It is fascinating after meditating on who I am what I learn. I go down to my deep inner being and my soul is such a feminine spirit that I just need to break down my walls to unleash. This blog is the first sledgehammer in that trip. Sometimes I open up the cracks much like one would open up a suspension bridge to show people who I am. But a lot of the people in my life only occasionally see that inner being in me. The little things help take down these brick walls. Like getting called Miss or Ma'am at work or getting called pretty by people that don't know I am trans. This is just my journey of who I am. I need some David Hasselhoff to sing as I tear through the Alyson wall.