Damn These Vampires

I am writing this almost a month after my last post again. I do not know why. Well partly I do. I just have had no motivation at all in the last few months mostly due to high anxiety surrounding my parents visit that happened a few weeks back. That went ok but I fell back into the pattern of letting my mom treat me like I'm 16 again. I did some things for preparation and then when they were here that I regret now. I rationalized cutting my hair in that since I am still presenting as male most of the time and I am looking for a better professional type job, having long hair negates my chances of landing it due to appearing slovenly. I am feeling stagnate in my life.

I have described my life as being a chameleon and I definitely feel that way. I am who you say I am. I am Alyson, Nate, or whoever the moment demands. I can be a sports lover, a metal head, a hoity toity lit snob, or whatever depending on who i am with. I think that scares me because who am I? I do not know. I really need to focus on my transition but I am so fearful of losing everything that I think thats why I have been working shitty jobs etc. I can't even bring myself to move forward. I need to get back into school but I have been holding back on that so much. I need to tell the parents about me but thats what scares me the most. I am so emotionally tied to them and somewhat financially that I do not know what will happen when I have the conversation again. I mean i have been so close to starting or even starting. I even had all my paperwork filled out for a name change at one point and turned it in and then asked to rescind it. I just couldnt do it. I just want to be me but yeah sometimes I do not know who that it is.

"Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these bite marks
Deep in my arteries
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me" The Mountain Goats

Depression Hurts

Damn Cymbalta ads give me a good headline ;). Life has been weird lately. Two incidents at work in the last week and a half really have spurned an intense desire to change jobs. I have been trying to focus on who I am and let that translate into a good job. I hope that happens. Anxiety and depression have been double fisting me lately like I am some porn star. I just need to get out of that. I hope I will feel better soon. I feel I am depressed because I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of being myself fulltime becuase then I would actually accomplish something. I have had a bad habit of sabotaging my life in many ways.
Depression has been whats keeping me from reviewing two books I have read so far for my Cannonball Read. Hopefully soon I'll be able to do them.
A lot of times I have felt like I am someone's third option or that I am the one doing all the chances at being their friend. I long to feel like I am someone's first option for friendship again or that people will contact me.

Dance Break:


I am trying to tell myself that its only a week til Pitchers and Catchers which is awesome. I hope to see the Sox kick some ass this year. Of course Benjamin and Kristina want the Twins to succeed.

Taking the good with the bad

I had a nervous breakdown at work today and was sent home. It wasn't my finest hour but its kind of the kick in the ass I needed. I am going to seek some help today and see what I can find. I am in need of a new job so much. On the plus side I did make it to Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks finally so thats good.