Valentine's Day

This Valentine's Day will be the start of so many better ones for me. Carolina and I will have dinner and a movie that night which is typical but I plan on being all purrtied up for it. I have still have a hard time going out in public totally as myself. I have dug out this whole where I am neither male or female and I claim I am happy here but I am not. I am going to make this one memorable for her because she hasn't seen me really all purrtied up. I am not saying all girls have to wear make up and heels etc, I just want to make that choice for once in my life and not be this butchier looking woman. Carolina really wants to see that person because she claims she hasn't. I am going to take Monday since I don't work to actually take time to prepare and not be scared either. I think that's been the issue, worrying about not passing or getting harassed. I have been harassed a few times in public bathrooms which has contributed to my anxiety sometimes. I am going to do some shopping this weekend and hopefully find a nice outfit to wear. This really is just a new experience for me.

Depression Hurts

Damn Cymbalta ads give me a good headline ;). Life has been weird lately. Two incidents at work in the last week and a half really have spurned an intense desire to change jobs. I have been trying to focus on who I am and let that translate into a good job. I hope that happens. Anxiety and depression have been double fisting me lately like I am some porn star. I just need to get out of that. I hope I will feel better soon. I feel I am depressed because I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of being myself fulltime becuase then I would actually accomplish something. I have had a bad habit of sabotaging my life in many ways.
Depression has been whats keeping me from reviewing two books I have read so far for my Cannonball Read. Hopefully soon I'll be able to do them.
A lot of times I have felt like I am someone's third option or that I am the one doing all the chances at being their friend. I long to feel like I am someone's first option for friendship again or that people will contact me.

Dance Break:


I am trying to tell myself that its only a week til Pitchers and Catchers which is awesome. I hope to see the Sox kick some ass this year. Of course Benjamin and Kristina want the Twins to succeed.

Taking the good with the bad

I had a nervous breakdown at work today and was sent home. It wasn't my finest hour but its kind of the kick in the ass I needed. I am going to seek some help today and see what I can find. I am in need of a new job so much. On the plus side I did make it to Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks finally so thats good.

Inner Core Being

It is fascinating after meditating on who I am what I learn. I go down to my deep inner being and my soul is such a feminine spirit that I just need to break down my walls to unleash. This blog is the first sledgehammer in that trip. Sometimes I open up the cracks much like one would open up a suspension bridge to show people who I am. But a lot of the people in my life only occasionally see that inner being in me. The little things help take down these brick walls. Like getting called Miss or Ma'am at work or getting called pretty by people that don't know I am trans. This is just my journey of who I am. I need some David Hasselhoff to sing as I tear through the Alyson wall.

Vlog #2

Pretty much a short video on how I feel on a daily basis.

Vlog #1

Don't know what else to say other than I love my friends and hate my voice.

Anxiety

Sometimes I get super bad anxiety about being harassed in public like I won't pass. I hope all goes well. On the other hand I have been having a good week mostly. Crazy times for Me.

Personal Blog.

And now a personal blog. This will be my chronicles of my transition.